HENRICO APPROVES 700B PORT-A-POTTIE BAILOUT
At an emergency meeting held Saturday afternoon in the Broad Street Golden Coral banquet room, the Henrico County Board of Supervisors approved an emergency 700B request from Secretary of Sanitation, Hank Paulman, and Sewers Chairman, Ben Bernankmespankme to immediately replace the port-a-potties at Wildcat Field with a fixed commode facility. Paulman ominously told the Board "We have a crisis of historic proportions. Write me the check now, or confidence in Henrico's sanitation system could completely collapse!"
At first the council resisted, but after Chairman Bernankmespankme added, "Booga Booga!", the council relented and cut the check.
Citizens across the county have reacted with anger, flooding the county's Grievance, Whine, and Gripe Hotline™ with lengthy tirades. Bob Relyea, of Glen Allen ranted hysterically "Why can't the fat cats at Western pay for their own bathrooms?"
Henrico Supervisor for Life, Virgil Hazmat, declined our repeated requests to comment on the bailout.
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Programming Note: Much to the chagrin of vision fans, BSPN bagged its' plans to cover the Kanawha - Western game in favor of covering the "Double Cousin Shootout" between the East Po Mountain Mountaineers and the West Po Mountain Mountaineers, in West Virginia, after the Wildcats lost to Tuckahoe, dropping them to 2 and 2. BSPN has tentatively scheduled their crew to cover the Kanawha - Chesterfield match up in two weeks from Kanawha Field.
Burma Shave.
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Police Beat
In a statement issued 2 hours after the Kanawha Western contest, Henrico PD spokesperson Lt. Jim Dangle issued the following statement via e-mail:
The Henrico PD is pleased to report that the Kanawha-Western grudge match turned out to be a relatively orderly affair with only two incidents to report. In the first, one Christopher Collins of Glen Allen was detained for line-cutting at port-a-pottie number 3. When officers determined that line-cutting was not actually on The Official Random and Capricious Offense List™, Collins was released on his own recognizance after he recovered from the Taser shock.
The second incident occurred after the game, when a man claiming to be "Glen Walker" of Richmond was taken into custody after the arresting officers observed him engage in what they believed was mischievousness, tomfoolery, and possibly chicanery. Mr Walker is being held at the county lookup pending a hearing.
--Lt J. Dangle
--sparklypony@yahoo.com
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KANAWHA REDSKINS at WESTERN WILDCATS
Like a Roman Legion of old sent to quell an insurrection, the Redskin Junior squad lined up on the field before Saturday's battle with grim looks of determination etched across their young faces. With the division lead and a playoff berth at stake, they turned and held steely stares fixed away from the coin toss happening at midfield. No act of randomness would effect their determination to claim what was theirs this day. Heads or tails mattered not when a year's worth of gloating for the victor and grief to the loser was on offer.
But the Skins won the toss, which seemed pretty cool.
The Western kicker sent the opening kickoff to the Redskin 35, where it was fielded cleanly by upman Lebs "All I need is the air that I" Breeden "to love you". Breeden broke right, dodging the initial tackler, then weaved through hurtling Wildcats before being brought down near midfield.
The Redskin, which had rolled early and often the previous week against Glen Allen, proceeded to lay an egg on this first series, going four and out two yards worse than they started.
Heartened by their defense success, the rejiggered Wildcat offense (their starting running back left the game after breaking his wrist on the opening kickoff) took the field then took four plays to pick up a first down at the Kanawha 35. After a short gain on first, the Wildcats ran right for 7 on second and looked on their way to another first down, but they fumbled the snap on third down and were then stuffed on fourth by a surging Redskin defensive line, putting the Skins offense back on the field at their own 24.
Having had little success through the air on their first drive, the Redskins handed off thrice consecutively to Oliver "Twist" Smith. Smith slashed through the Wildcat line, picking up 15 yards and giving the Redskins first and ten at their own 39 as the first quarter expired.
The Redskins continued to pound away as the second quarter began, with Smith picking up another first down on a 7 yard second down effort. "Howitzer" Gannon Hingst provided the change up on first down, bowling down Wildcat linebacker as he plunged into the middle. After a short gain on second down, and having sucked the Wildcats in tight to defend the run, Redskin quarterback "Cut to the" Chase Pollard dropped back, surveyed the scene, then hit receiver Lebs Breeden in stride as he crossed across the center of the field. Breeden beat the Wildcat defensive back down the line and the Redskins had a six pack o' points on the board.
On the extra point try, the Skins slipped tight end Eric Tetlow "Sweet Chariot" into the flat, where he snagged the Pollard pass overhead to add the deuce.
After fielding Kanawha's kick at their own 30, Western's offense hot themselves in the foot with a delay of game call on first down, putting them back at the 25 facing first and fifteen. They got back 4 on first down, but then played butter ball on second and third down, fumbling the ball but managing to recover, setting up fourth and ten and their own thirty. Here, Western's first year head coach Deuce Begs proved that he is the riverboat gambler that previous coach Major Azhat never was, electing to go for it deep in Wildcat territory.
The Wildcat quarterback took the snap and dropped back to pass and rolled right eluding the Redskin pressure. He launched his pass downfield but overshot his receiver, ending their drive and igniting what will likely be a firestorm of second guessing, recrimination, and nasty calls to Western's Sunday morning cable access show "The Cat Box".
With a short field and over two minutes to work with, the Redskin offense could smell blood. On first down, Oliver Smith slashed through the line to pick up 11 on first down. The Wildcat defense was able to hold back the Skins on second, but on second down from the 13, Chase Pollard took the shotgun snap, rolled left, then tucked the ball in and headed for the corner, just getting past a diving tackle at the 5 before racing into for the second score of the game to put the Skins up 14. Pollard called his own number on the extra point, but this time ended up under a Cat pile short of the goal line.
Scoring so quickly left the Wildcats time to mount one more drive before the half. They almost broke their first down run for a big gain, but Matt "Dogs and Englishmen" Anderson held his ground and dropped the Wildcat runner after just a five yard pickup. On second down, the Wildcat quarterback dropped back and launched a 40 yard "Hail Kitty", but it was picked off by Toney McDaniel at the Redskin 25 from whence the Skins ran out the half two plays later.
Coming off the halftime break, the Redskins kicked off and looked like they had stopped the Wildcats again after solid defensive play by Toney McDaniel on first down sniffing out the Wildcat misdirection, followed by Eric Tetlow and Vonte Satterwhite blowing up a Wildcat sweep in the backfield.
The Cats nearly broke a long one on a third down quarterback keeper, but Braxton Walker made a shoestring, touchdown saving tackle to set up fourth and 7 at the Wildcat 34. Again the visiting Kanawha crowd why the pigskin pundits are starting to call Western head coach Deuce Begs "the Mad Catter". Begs gave the green light and the Wildcats lofted another fourth and long prayer 25 yards downfield, but this time their prayers were answered as the big Western receiver brought down the jump ball over two Redskin defenders before landing in a heap at the Redskin 34.
Fired up, with the Redskin defense on its' heels, the Cats stayed airborne, connecting on the outside and picking up another 14 yards and a first down just 19 yards shy of getting back in the game. Staying with the new "Air Begs" philosophy, the Wildcats threw an incompletion on first, then tried their aerial luck again on second, but this time Redskin defender Lebs Breeden read the quarterbacks eyes and stepped in front of the receiver to make the pick at the Kanawha 8 yard line.
Making a much anticipated return from injury, "This is the dawning of the age of a-" Darius Coles took the handoff on first down and rumbled ahead to the Redskin 20. Gannon Hingst picked up another 8 on the next play, then four plays later, Coles powered ahead for another 15 taking a gaggle of would be Wildcat tacklers with him as the fourth quarter began.
Quarterback Chase Pollard hit receiver Vollie "East Po" Fountain on the next play, threading the ball through double coverage to pick up 12 yards. Darius Coles rolled another 10 on the next play, but the Skins were flummoxed twice setting up third and 14 at the Wildcat 32. Chase Pollard took the shotgun snap and rolled to his left, picked up a key block from his right tackle Ian "Sly and the Family" Stoner, then raced 32 yards untouched into the end zone to put Kanawha up 18. "Delta Delta" Delton Dunkum came in at quarterback for the conversion and hit Eric "Manute" Tetlow on the right side for another two.
Although down big in the 4th, the Wildcats weren't done fighting. After a good kickoff return gave them excellent field position at their 43, the Cats hit another long pass, this time for 27 yards to get them to the Redskin 20, just like that. The Kanawha defense stiffened and threw the Wildcats back ten on first on a sack by "Dice" Caleb Bodgdon, but the tenacious Wildcats struck back for 22 on second down to get to the Kanawha 8.
After using the their wideouts to test the Redskin secondary, the Wildcats threw the changeup, sending their tight end out to the corner where he caught the Wildcat pass all by his lonesome on the next play to put the plucky felines on the board. On the extra point, the Wildcats tried running into the center of the Redskin line, but the effort ended just about where "Ruth's" Chris Young decided he was going to plant himself.
With time running out, the Wildcats tried an onside kick with spectacular result. After 10 yards, the ball bounced and took a bounce that went beyond charity into out and out home team benefolence, landing in the arms of the racing Wildcat player. Were it not for the rule marking the ball down where it was recovered, the Wildcat player could have easily raced the distance to put the game within a score, but rules is rules and the Cats got the ball at the Kanawha 45.
After a solid gain on first, the Wildcats went back to the air, but linebacker Gannon Hingst dove into the pass picking it off at the Kanawha 32 to end the Wildcats last gasp at getting the game within reach. After the Kanawha offense went four and out, the Wildcats did have one last shot at the end zone, but it bounced just off the Wildcat receivers outstretched claws.
Final Score: Kanawha Redskins 22 - Western Wildcats 6
Next up for the Redskins, another divisional contest against a big and burly Goochland squad. The Bulldogs will be looking to pee on the Kanawha Homecoming fire hydrant, the same way the Redskins stuck a big hairball into the Western festivities this past weekend.
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11:07 am - Post Game Coaches Press Conference
Sparky Nethers (shouting for Coach Begs attention over the din of the press room): Coach Begs! Coach Begs! Coach Begs!
Coach Begs: All right, one last questions...you there with the purple velvet-3 foot long feathered pimp hat.
Sparky Nethers: Thank you coach. Sparky Nethers, Far Far West End Press (Coach Begs rolls eyes). Coach, when you replaced Major Azhat this season, you promised big changes and laid down a marker for beating Kanawha this year. With that in mind, do you still think hiring a Zumba teacher as your strength and conditioning coach was a great idea.
Coach Begs: Nethers, you are a hack and a shameless Kanawha homer.
Sparky Nethers: Thank you for sharing, Coach. As a follow up, just how bad does losing to Jim Dunkum chap your ass?
coach Begs: No further questions.
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Police Beat Update
Mr Glen Walker was released from custody on Sunday after his attorney, Lawrence Spivey esq, convinced the county Micreant and Nare-Do-Well Courts judge, the Honorable Lance Eeto, that his client was actually engaged in "shenanigans" before he was arrested, an unseemly and tawdry behavior, but not one punishable under the county's 2008 Random and Capricious Offense Act™.
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Culinary Corner
It is always your intrepid food correspondent's goal to sample the unique items on offer at snack bars across Henrico County, as the traveling road show we call Kanawha football rolls into our opponents' fields like a mighty Vandal tribe of yore.
This week, the item that caught our eye at Western's Snack Shanty was the "Wildcat Burger".
After ingesting this gastric IED, I would suggest that the folks there might start marketing it with the slogan, "When You Need a Burger Really Bad, We've Got a Really Bad Burger".
But I jest, and must set aside my partisan palate and declare that the Wildcat Burger is, in five years of gameday burger ingestion, the finest of its genre.
Two all beef patties plus cheese on a bun, served up with a friendly smile...Brilliant!
Twice the meat and double the tasty goodness. Extra Juicy...and plenty of just-grilled flavahhh.
My burger did have just a touch more "grill crunch" then I prefer, which merits a half star deduction, but as otherwise a fitting addition to the pantheon of Henrico's snack bar greats.
If I were so bold as to offer a suggestion, it would be to add bacon, but that pretty much goes for everything.
WESTERN WILDCAT BURGER - 4.5 Stars (out of 5)
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Correction
The Western Port-A-Pottie Bailout, was actually approved for $70,000, not $700,000,000,000 as was previously reported. We apologize for the error and any consternation it may have caused.
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Programming Note Follow Up: The undefeated East Po Mountain Mountaineers escaped West Po Mountain with a victory, but just by the skin of their tooth, winning 4 to 2.
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